My Healing Journey: The Forgiving Process
About four years ago, I didn't have one of my proudest moments in life. Feeling completely broken from everything that transpired left a weighted burden of guilt on my heart. Accepting what I had done and taking the blame for others' actions against me created so much heartache and sleepless nights. The thoughts of suicide began to take control, believing it would solve the issue. But it wouldn't.
When the opportunity presented itself, I decided to leave Maryland and move to upstate New York, where an unaware healing process had begun. God met me where we first met, the church. Reminding me that He had never forsaken me though I strayed. With a face soaked in tears, there was a loss of words to describe How I couldn't forgive because I didn't know how to. There was so much pain, and words with no meaning behind them were pointless. At that moment, God knew my heart and the amount of pain I was in, and so He took my hand gave me a dream with grace and understanding.
"I was throwing a party for my baby sister, and a particular group of people came uninvited. Immediately getting frustrated with my sister, she explained she never invited them, but they wanted to apologize. She thought I should accept their apology and continue with the party because we were all having a good time. Refusing to do so, I went to the backroom to calm myself down. Between my blood boiling, my heart beating in anger, a throbbing headache, all at once, I was going to lose it at any second. I couldn't understand the audacity of these people coming to my event.
There was an enormous, fully grown tree, flourishing with beautiful colors of leaves, in the backyard that suddenly burst into flames during this time. People from the party started to help out, including the uninvited guest, by throwing buckets of water. Nothing seemed to put the fires out. In the middle of the chaos, I told the uninvited guests that their help wasn't wanted and needed to leave immediately. Suddenly, little fires began to create small patches onto the ground, causing a panic with the other guests at the party. But none of that mattered to me. It seemed like the more I was consumed with this anger; the more the fire broke out. Eventually, the fire department came, put out all the fires, and the uninvited guest left, and there was complete satisfaction for me. I then turned around to see the tree that was once flourishing so beautifully, decisive, and healthy turn into dead branches, withering to nothing. Looking at that tree, I, too, felt like nothing as well."
Waking up from that dream, I asked the Holy Spirit what did it mean, and I heard His voice tell me, "If you allow this anger and bitterness to consume you, it will eventually burn everything up in your life."
I no longer wanted this burden, anger, or bitterness taking the reigns of my heart. And so, I asked God to help me forgive. One night, He told me to write a letter to the people who hurt me, call out their names, and explain what they did to me. The beginning phrase wasn't easy. There was trial and error, but I pressed my way through by the grace of God. God wanted me to see; instead of focusing on one of the worst days of my life, He showed me the importance of Why I needed to forgive a person.
In the process of forgiveness, it's easy to forgive someone without considering why. Taking the time to think about WHY you're forgiving someone will sound completely different. It brings an awareness that you are acknowledging what was done to you, how it hurt you, and now deciding to let go, heal, and grow.
It was exceptionally emotionally hard for the first six months—just the thought of saying their names or speaking out what was done built up so many memories and emotions. Some memories I forgot even happened. At times, there was progression; thinking of their names or what happened wouldn't bother me until one day it did. Other times, going down memory lane became a struggle to overcome with a morning or night with many tears. There were moments I told God I couldn't go through with this because of the severe pain, but God was patient with me.
During my process of forgiving, the Holy Spirit showed me that it is vital for my heart to forgive, or my words would mean nothing. As Jesus said (Matthew 15:8), "They honor me with their mouths, but their heart is far from me….." God looks at a heart's intentions and what it is honestly saying. That's what I needed to learn how to do. To say what I mean and mean what I say. And everything after forgiveness was a choice, even after forgiving someone. Keep this in mind; memories will come unintentionally by your five senses, along those memories will feed into the emotions that will cause you to ponder what should or shouldn't have been. They can also cause you to backtrack and think, did you do the right thing to forgive. Creating a ripple of effect that healing is impossible when you accepted your heart to do so and truly meant it. Don't backtrack. Don't feed into the memories or emotions. Or, in the words of my mama, Don't Even Entertain them. In those events, when your mind goes down memory lane, invite God's presence in, to uproot any unknown feelings you are unaware of, bring them to light, and allow Him to teach you; you have no desire to look back. Most importantly, REMIND YOURSELF, you have healed and move on. Even if you have to remind yourself EVERY SINGLE DAY, DO SO!
One of the most challenging times in life involved so much bitterness, hatred, and unforgiveness. I was okay with allowing them into my life. They became my act of survival when they only damaged me from the inside out, but God caught me in the middle of it. He loved me that much; He was willing to teach me. Not once did God ever shout out Bible verses at me. He never condemned me. Neither told me to forgive because I was forgiven. He gave me the most straightforward dream possible and what unforgiveness can do to one's life. I then had the choice to accept the vision or ignore it completely. In the midst, He taught me How to forgive the right way, and now, I can take what He taught me and apply it to my everyday life because now I know-how.
Despite everything I did and everything done, God never looked at me as everyone else did. He looked at a child who needed a Father, and that is exactly who He became to me, supplying my needs according to His riches and glory in Christ Jesus, which my heart truly needed, HEALING—staying true to His word by giving my heart a chance to forgive when I was forgiven.
This week Ladies, it's going to be one to remember. I decided to share my Healing Journey, which started with the first phrase, my Healing Process. Though it won't be easy, it will be well worth sharing because some of us need a reminder. Even when we fall short, God is willing to pick us up no matter what. That, my life journey, can apply to you as well; with much love, encouragement, and healing. For our lives are stories being written for others to read because soon we all will be in the presence of healing.
If you haven't already, follow me on IG @_iamabook so you can get all of the main points during this week and next week's posting from my Healing Journey. God taught my heart to heal, and now I am becoming the woman He has created for me to be.
Below is a continuation of my Healing Journey, so stay tuned:
The Healing Process
I needed to Forgive Myself
A Second Chance
A Second Chance at Love
I am Not Defined
